too many lives

not blogged in a while, i feel i need to let my emotions spill onto whatever this is, paper? webpage? god knows.
Lately, i feel outcast or secluded from my own life. the one i don't even have! i spend my time at school, appeasing my family to prevent world war three and help my desperate mum with her baby. she deserves that much. my life seems overtaken by those things, and i still try and fit in the academic pleasures in like poetry and reading and struggle still. im sick of that struggle. its getting painful.
too many people have issues i don't understand, or well, i'm not allowed to understand. half a story ring a bell. i feel out of touch, and when i try to re-connect, it just dies, i turn elsewhere. the thought of loosing this, loosing what i love, it fills the only space in my mind.
i keep trying to find releases, i want to be able to breathe, i just don't have the time, at some point, my heart is just going to stop.
the thing is...everyone needs something, to hekp them release, some peopley may have a bath, eat chocolates, take drugs, have sex or whatever. but this is what i like to do, i am listening to one of the most beautiful peices of music in the world, by a woman with such an amazing voice. Eva Cassidy. her voice is so unique and amazing, her songs, voice and lyrics just relax me, i can breathe when i am on my own. i can hear things other than arguing or a screaming baby, or mum. i want to get married to this song, well, our first dance HAS to be this lol, it's such a beautiful song :)
it makes me happy. happier. i'm not saying i am unhappy btw, i do have a lot of very happy moments, it's just the negatives highlight themselves.
i'd rather be happy and a llittle sad, than a little happy and a lot of sad, actually. i want  balance. but that has to be the hardest most impossible thing in the world.